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Domestic violence comes from somewhere, it doesn't "just" happen

Hi again, since the last post i have done even better than i expected, in this situation i suppose you have to keep reminding yourself that it’s not your fault and the other party is the loser, ha ha well he is, he has lost everything……even his dignity with his family.

Talking about his family, i am sooooo worried about his sister i am still in a good relationship with them all and she has just been dragged through the fiery coals of hell…..on her arse…..

Her partner decided to throw her around the other night and she finally plucked up the courage and strength to get the police involved and is now trying to pick up the pieces….the fact they were smoking copious amounts of pot didn’t help their relationship one bit but there is NO excuse for anyone to be violent towards their partner…..if you don’t like them or the situation, get out. You obviously aren’t meant to be there.

My exs’ sister is doing ok, she quit smoking pot and is on her way to recovery and her ex is trying to weasel his way back in by being nice to her and remorseful…..

This cycle for her has been going on for 10 years and she is like an empty shell where my exs’ sister used to be. She tried to  leave him so many times before and the family is over it and don’t really have much care for the situation left.

Since i have been through what she has been through i feel it is my duty to help her and no matter how many times she tries and goes back, i am there for her i know how hard it is as with my ex 8-10 yrs ago(not this one) i was on and off with him for 4 yrs til i got jack of it.

Her family should of always supported her and i feel they could of done better to help her in the past, this is one woman who has had her self esteem stripped naked and there is no hope in her eyes, I gave her some. She has been screaming out for help for god knows how long now i have only known her for a couple of yrs, she couldn’t find the strength to leave.

Don’t ever think that just because someone goes back to their abusive partner that, that is what they want. You have to help them so they don’t get “tricked” into going back. After someone leaves their abusive partner, they are so lost, their world has been turned upside down and it isn’t just strength they need, they also need your support. It takes more strength to leave than to stay and some people need to draw their strength from you, their friends and family.

So after they have left their partner, he/she feels remorseful and will apologise, try to buy their way back, make you feel really good about yourself again, and THIS my readers is where you need most of your strength, the leaving part is the easy bit.

So my exs’ sister is going through this bit right now, her partner is saying sorry for things that happened ages ago that he never apologised for and it is confusing the shit out of her. She thinks she still loves him and all that, ONLY BECAUSE he is making it look like he has changed. They never do peeps.

I saw a rainbow today at the end of this street i was walking down, raced home grabbed my camera and took a pic, when i looked away from the camera, i saw a st sign and it was her name. I sent her the pic and told her that the rainbow was for her “I saw the sign” lol it so was hers….i didn’t even know that street was there.

there is a cycle of domestic violence…

The build-up phase

This phase may begin with normal relations between the people in the relationship, but involves escalating tension marked by increased verbal, emotional or financial abuse.

The stand over phase

This phase can be extremely frightening for people affected by domestic and family violence.

The behaviour of the person who uses violence in relationships escalates to the point that a release of tension is inevitable.

The person affected may feel that they are ‘walking on egg shells’ and fear that anything they do will cause the situation to deteriorate further.

In non-violent relationships these issues can normally be resolved between the people in the relationship.

Explosion

The explosion stage marks the peak of violence in the relationship. It is the height of abuse by the person who uses violence to control and power over others.

The person who commits domestic and family violence experiences a release of tension during an explosion phase, which may become addictive. They may be unable to deal with their anger any other way.

The remorse phase

At the remorse stage, the person who uses domestic and family violence in their relationship feels ashamed of their behaviour.

They retreat and become withdrawn from the relationship.

They try and justify their actions to themselves and to others, unaware they are actually addicted to the release they have just experienced.

The pursuit phase

At this stage, the person who uses domestic and family violence in relationships promises to the other person affected, never to be violent again.

They may try to make up for their past behaviour during this period and say that other factors have caused them to be violent, for example, work stress, drugs, or alcohol.

The violent offender may purchase gifts, and give the person affected attention.

Also, the violent offender may go through a dramatic personality change.

The person affected by the violence will feel hurt, but possibly relieved that the violence is over.

The honeymoon phase

During the honeymoon phase of the cycle of violence, both people in the relationship may be in denial as to how bad the abuse and violence was.

Both people do not want the relationship to end, so are happy to ignore the possibility that the violence could occur again.

After some time, this stage will fade and the cycle may begin again.

If you look into the abusers background you will see that they too came from an extremely dysfunctional family and have been taught that this is how families are and they don’t know any other way to be. It isn’t totally their fault, it is how they were brought up. IGNORANCE BREEDS IGNORANCE You can say, hey they are adults who know right from wrong now, but their whole childhood they have been taught that this is the right behavior. They need help, to be reeducated and it won’t happen over night.

If you are in Australia and need help call these numbers:

Are you a woman experiencing or committing domestic violence?
Telephone DV Connect Women’s Service toll-free 24 hours/seven days: 1800 811 811.
(Not recorded on your phone bill)
(http://www.dvconnect.org.au/)

Are you a man experiencing or committing domestic violence?
Telephone DV Connect Men’s Service toll-free 9am to midnight/seven days:1800 600 636
(Not recorded on your phone bill)
(http://www.dvconnect.org.au/mensline/default.asp)

For any of my USA readers i am sorry i don’t have too much info for you on who to call, but you don’t have to put up with this behaviour….find help please….i did find this number though:

International Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN

There is a great quote i would like to share with you now and i hope you learn from it.

I have heard this quote several times from Dr. Phil and others, not sure who it is originally from but: You show others how to treat you.

“This is so important and true, for me when I stayed after my husband called me awful names I showed him it was okay. Then when he hit me and I stayed, again, I showed him it was all right. When I finally told the police he tried to kill me and I was able to have him physically removed, I showed him how to treat me and that it was no longer allowed.”

Every time you  take your ex back you have let him/her think this behavior is acceptable, let them know today, that it’s not…..

“While you SCREAM at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could whisper softly in her ear… While you HUMILIATE,OFFEND and INSULT her, there’s a man flirting with her and reminding her how wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there’s a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY there’s a man stealing smiles from her…”

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